Just call me Mickey Rourke.

Oprah says the first step to being completely happy is being completely honest...with yourself and others. Since I believe anything she says, I've abandoned my private journal to devote time to this website like I should've done a long time ago.  I had gotten really wrapped up in worrying about what people thought for some reason once it became apparent that I had a bit of a following on here, which I guess was my goal when I started promoting it on Facebook, etc., but it still weirded me out for one reason or another.  I was feeling embarrassed I guess. I feel like I'm supposed to have it together by now, but I don't and all that I have to talk about is how far I am from having it together.  But now I'm over it. Writing is my therapy. I have to do it. If I don't, I think about it over and over again. The internal dialogue never ends until I write it somewhere and then I can stop my madness.

So I've been been hiding behind the youtube and funny videos until I could get a better grasp on who exactly I was going to be on here, and at the end of the day I decided that I'm just going to be me. Up, down, victorious, disappointed, successful...whatever the case shall be.  I'm probably not going to offend anyone, but my future boyfriends will not like this blog.  My instinct tells me that when challenged, I should carry on being myself.  Afterall, you chose to associate yourself with me in the first place, so it's all good.  Obviously it's been much less about the website than my need to control people's perception of me. And being as free as I want to feel here doesn't really allow for that. But like I said, I'm over it. I can write whatever the hell I please.  This is mine (I paid for it!) and I am responsible for no one but myself.  I'm more focused on improving my writing and editing and learning to not be so long winded. We're gonna work through this together (yes, the 5 of you that still read this thing). That said, this will be the longest post of 2009.

So, being myself, I have to say that that Single Lettuce video on youtube is inexplicably hilarious and not along those same lines, here's what's been happening with me.

Last year was the craziest year of my entire life.  I had it all and lost it all in what seemed like the longest 12 months that I've ever experienced.  I've decided that the lesson there was also Oprahesque in that you can have it all, you just can't have it all at the same time because timing is almost absolutely everything and the timing can't be right for multiple things all the time I guess. So now I'm examining what's most important to me and figuring out everything that moves and motivates me so I can focus on those things to have as much joy from day to day as possible.

High on my priority list right now is that I'm still trying to figure out a practical way of being completely myself all the time by blending my fun 23-year old self with my new, more mature, more boring (I think) almost 26-year old self.  It's completely insane how much I change as a person from year to year.  I can't accurately describe my want to sometimes have a cute martini on a hot pink napkin with Stef.  I barely drink anymore, but it's not about the drink.  It's about the feeling of it all and I never have that feeling anymore.  I'm working hard everyday on being the woman I want to be.  I'm starting over again and in truth, I'm happy that things happened the way they did. I'm glad to have this new clean slate, cuz my old one was not at all who I was hoping to be. I've got major life problems right now being that I was laid off at the end of last year.  So obviously I'm still the crazy version of myself at least 50% of the time.  But that percentage is a lot lower than it was 6 months ago.  So I'm pretty sure that I'm on my way home.  Hell, I'm sure.  Writing here is evidence of that.

To those of you who are still with me at the end of this long ass post, you can thank my awesome friends for me regaining the courage to document my demise here again.  I am abundantly blessed in that department of my life.  It's nice to have people around that believe in you.  My genuine satisfaction with and gratefulness for them cannot be overstated.  I look back on last year now and I'm like wow that was a crazy rollercoaster and I didn't even pay to ride.  I probably would've jumped off if it wasn't for my friends and mother.  Life is funny that way and I love it for that. Never know what's around the corner.  If I knew then what I know now, it most likely wouldn't have made much difference.  Well it might've made the difference between having a few pity parties and going out to actual parties, but it's hard to see things that way when you're burning in hell.  A lot of 2008 feels like a long time ago now.  Hell, it was.  So maybe it wasn't SO bad.  But I am sure as shit glad it's gone...even if it was only 12 days ago.