Everyday I wonder why I live in Georgia. I swear I hear little racially-motivated comments whenever I leave the house just living my life. Maybe I'm hypersensitive, but if you're white and you hit on me by telling me you have on Tommy Hillfiger jeans, I'm going to think things. One time my ex boss came over to my cube to tell me he'd had an "Old E" over the weekend and I was like what's that? And he laughed like I was being ironic, but I really didn't know what that shit was 'til I googled it and he'd gone back to his desk so I couldn't react appropriately. How did I miss this before moving here? Was I just accustomed to it growing up? FYI: The South is not for black people.
And it sucks because you know these people aren't trying to be offensive. They're just southern. I know that sounds awful, but that shit is true. So many times I find myself swallowing hard just to maintain a certain level of comfort with certain people. I actually really liked that boss and would still say he's a pleasant guy. He was even heavy for Obama. A lot of folks are just extremely not used to black people down here. The black people that they see on VH1 is reality to them. So when one comes around that they have any comfort level with, it's like BALLS TO THE WALLS! I've been waiting to use that one all my life! I'm down! Well at least that's what I soothe my baby rages with because in the back of my mind I'm really thinking they just don't care to think about whether or not what they're saying is offensive.
After about a year of living here I came to terms with the fact that I can't fight everyone that says some fucked up shit to me. I mean, I'm no Harriet Tubman, but I do feel pretty indignant sometimes. And as often as it happens, it's exhausting and unfun to waste emotion on it every time. It's like getting mad at Ann Coulter--for what?. Assuming she's a real person, she obviously doesn't really marinate on what it's like to be the people she doesn't understand. So why should I take anything she has to say to heart? In fact, I'm doing everything she's not doing by not getting mad. Plus, I like to be a pretty easy-going person in general. And getting all worked up all the time isn't conducive to that. I hate to be "that" angry black chick. You know? Cuz then people just dismiss it as that.
I want to move, but the timing isn't right. Plus I'm not completely sold on it being any different anywhere else. Just a different set of problems--if not the same ones, masked better. Pick your poison. My instincts are telling me to create my own guarded life outside of the world's circumstances. You know, build my house outta bricks, if you will. But that requires certain things that are completely out of my control. So I'm praying for them, but I need a back-up plan.
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