I am horrified when I reread anything I wrote.

Cannot imagine a man more awesome than my boyfriend. But then again, I hadn't imagined him so I guess it's possible. Anyway. He looks good.

I'm sure someday someone will make me feel very embarrassed about this post. But...it definitely doesn't matter. It's what got me here.

John Mayer mocks all you rap guys...and he's good at it.

Fatherless kids

Ha ha hee hee ha ha ho

Are my mom and I ignorant for finding this candy hilarious?

I lost my fucking Wayferers...

...and I am PISSED!!! That pic may be awful, but it's all I have left of them! *cries* Moreover, pet peeve #4, 080: I like you a lot. But if you drop me off at my house please have the decency to wait until I get in the door before you zoom off screeching your tires and shit. You should be walking me to the door like 227 but I ain't complain. I'll be damned if you roll off and a mofo ain't got her keys. Just sayin' is all.

Golden

Sooo...Xzibit Twitters the following:
In honor of his irrational anger to a joke that (contrary to what he believes) will never get old, I'm using this as an excuse to post all of the hilarious ones that I've found over the years. I don't care if you don't think it's funny. Enjoy.

Does it get any better?

Today, I am grateful for my thumbs.

So as it turns out, my Internet is gone indefinitely so I figure I might as well get used to phone writing.  This could be good.

I was just sitting here thinking about how at peace with rejection I am now. I've been on a million job interviews and have been denied them all. When it first started happening I was outraged.   I went ballistic--in my head anyway. It took me a really, really long time to process the whole thing. But then it kept happening again and again. So I've had to figure out a way to deal with it.

It actually reverted me back to a place that I'd completely forgotten I'd ever been. Before I went to college, I had no faith in my abilities.  I felt dumb.  School was always really hard for me.  I could never figure out how to apply myself enough.

So I was back at that place not too long ago.  Feeling like an idiot.  Unsure of myself.  Actually thinking, that's cute, you had a COUPLE good jobs and you blew it thinking you were better than you actually are!  I was beat up dude.  For serious.  It was scary.

But now I've taken a step back and looked at the big picture and changed my whole perception of rejection.  These people (clowns) that are choosing to not hire me don't represent some club of the world that I'm not good or smart enough to fit into. They just represent one (or how ever many) person's opinion. I don't need to win the world's approval to be successful (in my eyes anyway). Shit in most cases, all it takes is one. 

Is this thing on?

My Internet came and went so I downloaded an app for my phone. Testing...

These cookies that I saw are completely unrelated.

Dooooooooddd!!! I haven't had Internet since early January!  But it's back!  And I shouldn't be this happy!  But fuck it!  I AM!  Wahoo!  

That's is all for now!  Hasta la pasta.

PS It's not Friday the 13th unless Freddie is at Camp Crystal coming up out the lake on bitches mkay?

Too little, too late.

I'm pissed at myself.  I went all the way to the inauguration then procrastinated my way into just now writing about it tonight.  The emotions aren't as fresh as they were up until now.  Still unforgettable, but not as awesome to talk about anymore.  Despite only seeing the Obamas, Bushes and Joseph Lowery within reach for probably 45 seconds combined and standing in 15 degree weather for hours with the wrong shoes, it was everything.  Absolutely one of the top 5 moments of my entire life.  A couple of complete strangers hugged me and I wasn't even tripping.  I will never forget how I felt that day.  It was the pinnacle.  I've been to the mountaintop!  

The only thing that would've made the feeling better is if I was actually Michelle or Barack Obama and this was happening to me.  Oh or if I'd met my own Barack Obama in the crowd or something.  I kept telling myself at the time, "The next time you're pissed, just remember this moment."  

Well that was a week ago and I told myself that this morning and then turned around and told myself "oh shut up,"  so I need a new plan.  But I liked that I remembered to try.  That's something.

What are the odds?

On Inauguration Day, I actually saw the Bushes and the Obamas. I was sad that my pictures captured tinted windows that really weren't that tinted at all...

Too awesome to not post.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Barack Obama: Path to the Presidency

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia...y'all all the same.

Everyday I wonder why I live in Georgia.  I swear I hear little racially-motivated comments whenever I leave the house just living my life.  Maybe I'm hypersensitive, but if you're white and you hit on me by telling me you have on Tommy Hillfiger jeans, I'm going to think things. One time my ex boss came over to my cube to tell me he'd had an "Old E" over the weekend and I was like what's that? And he laughed like I was being ironic, but I really didn't know what that shit was 'til I googled it and he'd gone back to his desk so I couldn't react appropriately. How did I miss this before moving here?  Was I just accustomed to it growing up?  FYI: The South is not for black people.  

  

And it sucks because you know these people aren't trying to be offensive.  They're just southern. I know that sounds awful, but that shit is true.  So many times I find myself swallowing hard just to maintain a certain level of comfort with certain people.  I actually really liked that boss and would still say he's a pleasant guy.  He was even heavy for Obama.  A lot of folks are just extremely not used to black people down here. The black people that they see on VH1 is reality to them.  So when one comes around that they have any comfort level with, it's like BALLS TO THE WALLS!  I've been waiting to use that one all my life!  I'm down! Well at least that's what I soothe my baby rages with because in the back of my mind I'm really thinking they just don't care to think about whether or not what they're saying is offensive.

After about a year of living here I came to terms with the fact that I can't fight everyone that says some fucked up shit to me.  I mean, I'm no Harriet Tubman, but I do feel pretty indignant sometimes. And as often as it happens, it's exhausting and unfun to waste emotion on it every time.  It's like getting mad at Ann Coulter--for what?.  Assuming she's a real person, she obviously doesn't really marinate on what it's like to be the people she doesn't understand.  So why should I take anything she has to say to heart?  In fact, I'm doing everything she's not doing by not getting mad. Plus, I like to be a pretty easy-going person in general.  And getting all worked up all the time isn't conducive to that.  I hate to be "that" angry black chick.  You know?  Cuz then people just dismiss it as that.

I want to move,  but the timing isn't right.  Plus I'm not completely sold on it being any different anywhere else.  Just a different set of problems--if not the same ones, masked better.  Pick your poison.  My instincts are telling me to create my own guarded life outside of the world's circumstances.  You know, build my house outta bricks, if you will.  But that requires certain things that are completely out of my control.  So I'm praying for them, but I need a back-up plan.

Lightbulb moment.

The older I get, the smarter my mom gets.  We installed this fixture in my bedroom alll by ourselves.  We are awesome.

Thanks for that Rhea.

My cousin just brought to my attention that I will be 27 next year.  You know, because I'm not 26 yet?

Yikes.

I'm being made to feel old when I really don't feel that way personally.  It's like I'm constantly being reminded of the life targets that I'm not hitting by those that are important in my world, but most blatantly by Facebook.  I know that white people are generally on a different timeline than us, but it still makes me feel some kinda way when I see my best friend from 4th grade is married with two kids.  There was a time when I was all over this shit (I've since abandoned it) looking at other people's lives and feeling weird about being in people's business...then of course having to tell on myself to rid myself of that bizarre-stalker feeling by IMing June and we whine, whineee, whineeeee together about how we were sold the dream growing up.  Woe is us, etc. etc.

Maybe I'm shifting blame on a few levels, but I refuse to blame my own rational mind.  I didn't even realize I wanted any of this for sure until about 6 months ago.  Maybe the fact that I no longer feel defined by what I do career-wise, or maybe my biological clock finally got strong enough to be all powerful, but whatever the case...it feels like my body, mind and spirit have collectively risen against me.  A new phase is pending.  Everything's changing.

Just call me Mickey Rourke.

Oprah says the first step to being completely happy is being completely honest...with yourself and others. Since I believe anything she says, I've abandoned my private journal to devote time to this website like I should've done a long time ago.  I had gotten really wrapped up in worrying about what people thought for some reason once it became apparent that I had a bit of a following on here, which I guess was my goal when I started promoting it on Facebook, etc., but it still weirded me out for one reason or another.  I was feeling embarrassed I guess. I feel like I'm supposed to have it together by now, but I don't and all that I have to talk about is how far I am from having it together.  But now I'm over it. Writing is my therapy. I have to do it. If I don't, I think about it over and over again. The internal dialogue never ends until I write it somewhere and then I can stop my madness.

So I've been been hiding behind the youtube and funny videos until I could get a better grasp on who exactly I was going to be on here, and at the end of the day I decided that I'm just going to be me. Up, down, victorious, disappointed, successful...whatever the case shall be.  I'm probably not going to offend anyone, but my future boyfriends will not like this blog.  My instinct tells me that when challenged, I should carry on being myself.  Afterall, you chose to associate yourself with me in the first place, so it's all good.  Obviously it's been much less about the website than my need to control people's perception of me. And being as free as I want to feel here doesn't really allow for that. But like I said, I'm over it. I can write whatever the hell I please.  This is mine (I paid for it!) and I am responsible for no one but myself.  I'm more focused on improving my writing and editing and learning to not be so long winded. We're gonna work through this together (yes, the 5 of you that still read this thing). That said, this will be the longest post of 2009.

So, being myself, I have to say that that Single Lettuce video on youtube is inexplicably hilarious and not along those same lines, here's what's been happening with me.

Last year was the craziest year of my entire life.  I had it all and lost it all in what seemed like the longest 12 months that I've ever experienced.  I've decided that the lesson there was also Oprahesque in that you can have it all, you just can't have it all at the same time because timing is almost absolutely everything and the timing can't be right for multiple things all the time I guess. So now I'm examining what's most important to me and figuring out everything that moves and motivates me so I can focus on those things to have as much joy from day to day as possible.

High on my priority list right now is that I'm still trying to figure out a practical way of being completely myself all the time by blending my fun 23-year old self with my new, more mature, more boring (I think) almost 26-year old self.  It's completely insane how much I change as a person from year to year.  I can't accurately describe my want to sometimes have a cute martini on a hot pink napkin with Stef.  I barely drink anymore, but it's not about the drink.  It's about the feeling of it all and I never have that feeling anymore.  I'm working hard everyday on being the woman I want to be.  I'm starting over again and in truth, I'm happy that things happened the way they did. I'm glad to have this new clean slate, cuz my old one was not at all who I was hoping to be. I've got major life problems right now being that I was laid off at the end of last year.  So obviously I'm still the crazy version of myself at least 50% of the time.  But that percentage is a lot lower than it was 6 months ago.  So I'm pretty sure that I'm on my way home.  Hell, I'm sure.  Writing here is evidence of that.

To those of you who are still with me at the end of this long ass post, you can thank my awesome friends for me regaining the courage to document my demise here again.  I am abundantly blessed in that department of my life.  It's nice to have people around that believe in you.  My genuine satisfaction with and gratefulness for them cannot be overstated.  I look back on last year now and I'm like wow that was a crazy rollercoaster and I didn't even pay to ride.  I probably would've jumped off if it wasn't for my friends and mother.  Life is funny that way and I love it for that. Never know what's around the corner.  If I knew then what I know now, it most likely wouldn't have made much difference.  Well it might've made the difference between having a few pity parties and going out to actual parties, but it's hard to see things that way when you're burning in hell.  A lot of 2008 feels like a long time ago now.  Hell, it was.  So maybe it wasn't SO bad.  But I am sure as shit glad it's gone...even if it was only 12 days ago.

"Na, we straight"

FFwd to 1:10:

On repeat:

Am I the only person hearing Shawty Swing My Way?

PS  I can't stand the third "Brooklyn girl" on the train for no real reason.

Resolutions:

1. No more dating. Will wait for Mr.Right through good old-fashioned friendship. If no success, will adopt hairy dash instead.
2. Be on time. (i.e. Figure out how long it ACTUALLY takes me to do stuff.)

3. Read 1 book every month.

4. Take more pictures.
5. Befriend a hitman. I could always use one...